MiddyPuppy.com V 12.0

See attached for revisions.
I have several suggestions and hints.
Capitalize the first word in a quotation. There is no space before the first word of a quotation. You do not need to use a comma before ellipses (…). You do need a comma after the last word in a quotation in lieu of other punctuation. Another punctuation you should master is the semicolon. You had several fragmented sentences that were really semicolon add-ons. Some of your quotations were out of perspective, especially your main character’s thoughts. She referred to herself as “she” or “herself” on occasion. Your tenses were not perfect either, but it’s a common mistake. Your exposition started in past tense, and needs to stay in past tense, but your dialog is in present tense, and should also stay in present tense. If you don’t have Word or any other program with spell checking, download Firefox, and its spell checking plug in for direct uploads. Make your transitions clear! Spaces, symbols, anything to denote the sudden change in setting or you will confuse, and probably lose, your readers. I suggest finding an English grammar text or website such as, http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp. Lastly, I suspect your character to be a mild form of Mary Sue, especially her dramatic death and her instant relationship with Mikey. To be certain, run her through the litmus test at: http://www.onlyfiction.net/marysue.html.
I liked the story; it was definitely a new take on things. I would have liked to know who created her, especially some names, and possibly demonisation of said characters. I think her relationship with Mike was too abrupt and unbelievable in that regard.